Overdue Greenhorn (040403)

well tt's what i feel about myself. seems to me tt the time of "fun times" are over now, now tt i'm aredi 21 going 22...
but i didn't exactly have any fun, looking back, i can't rem. any time i have had fun. (well i think the fun i had were juz boliao fun u know, not serious fun.) i had none. now tt this time seems to be over, i cant help but feel sour in my heart...
but well, i blame myself for being too rigid when young, not having a mind of my own to tell myself to do the things i want... no, i was always listening to adults' sayings "dont smoke, its not good for ur health; dont always go out and play, u should be studying" ... tt sort of things. i didn't dare to go against such "wise words" (or didnt think abt). it seemed tt everybody else who were doing those things were, well juz like everybody else. me? me dowanna be everybody else (if u know me well enough, u would have know this), me wanna be different from everybody else, so me gotta do things different from other ppl. ...(or so i tout)... ...
i showed arrogance, although not really tt much, but it was there (esp during jc times). (now i understand y i was kinda unpopular with ppl other than my own classmates, well even with my own classmates, i knew inside there were ppl who disliked me and try to distance me... although they did it disreetly, but u can feel it one)
perhaps its a little late for me to realise that u can do the same things as everybody else and still be different from everybody else. well it seems tt everybody else realised this fact n i didnt... its not tt i cant be everybody else, i can, in fact i tink if i had, i would have fitted in very well. (look at me and u judge for urself)
i dont wanna go back into telling u i feel i lead a pathetic life, think it would bore u, maybe next time i may make a post abt it, but then again, maybe, maybe not, c my mood
n becoz of tt, there is nothing to lose, well things cant get any worse right? there should be no holding back (in the things i do), but somehow, i tink i still keep holding back... i donno...
(i know i need to let go, to change my life, but... its always easier said than done isnt it?)

i tink i'm kinda like a rare breed now, endangered species haha...
does tt make me happy? is this what i want at the end of the day?
i can frankly tell u NO! its far fr wat i had expected...
i threw away everything back then... well didnt know tt they would have such an impact on the later stages of my life
didnt expect them to come back n haunt me... i was wrong!...!...
its hard not to think of it, think of all the things tt i've had and more tt i could have had


(hey juz rem. this: u r supposed to be able to send me ur comments abt my posts, but i havent figured out how to do it yet, saw it on pearly's site, tout it was kewl! i've also yet to add the reply email u could c on my blog, cant seem to find the settings page to change this. anyway this stup. -- oops i shouldnt say tt coz they r providing me a space to post this, so tt u can read -- website donno y damn so slow one, takes a very long time even though i'm using the sch T1 network connection, n always got errors also!! hate this!, give me space but dont give me everyting (conveniently and quickly), damn!
if u have any comments, u can email me, u know the addresses; if u dont, can sms me to ask for my email adds :) )